Frost Said: I Had a Lover’s Quarrel w/ the World. I Have a Lover’s Quarrel w/ Modern Paganism. But I Am Not Frost

I commented recently on the conflict at Pantheacon over the desire of some Dianic Witches (full disclosure: I am a Dianic Witch) to hold rituals for cis-women (full disclosure: I am a cis-woman in an overwhelmingly male world and male profession).

I’ve been interested to read the continuing conversation (from conversat, pp. stem of “con versari”: “to live with, keep company with,” lit. “turn about with,”) over this issue. At least in comment threads, the issue often seems to break down to some people asserting that “women have a right to their own rituals” (I agree) and to others saying, “transwomen ARE women and who is Z. Budapest to decide who is and who isn’t a woman?” (I agree.) There’s a lot of noise and anger. Maybe it’s my (and I know that this makes me thrice-cursed) training as a lawyer, but I think that the problem comes, at least in large part (as we lawyers think that most problems do), from an imprecise use of language.

Much of the problem seems to me to spring from the failure to use the term “cis-women” when describing certain rituals offered at Pantheacon. (If you hold a ritual for “women” or for “genetic women” and exclude trans-women, you certainly appear to be defining trans-women as somehow less-than, even if that isn’t your intent.) It ought to be possible to hold a ritual for cis-women without denying the womanhood of trans-women (just as it ought to be possible to hold a ritual for women from the African diaspora without denying the womanhood of women from Celtic or Hellenic or Kemetic Reconstruction traditions). As I suggested in my earlier post, I see high value in rituals held by and for women, both cis-women-only and cis-and-trans women. (And we certainly need some of the latter, as well as some of the former.) And we can hold as many rituals and cast as many circles as we need to hold and to cast. This is NOT an either/or situation. We’re Pagans; we don’t need to allow the overculture’s enchantment to cast a spell over our eyes and cause us to see the world in terms of dichotomy. (I can envision a lovely ritual that begins with cis-women only in one space and trans-women only in another space and that ends with all of them dancing around the same cauldron, the same bonfire. (You may saaaaayyyy, I’m a dreeeeamer, but I’m noooootttt the onnnnnllllly one.))

I’ve been particularly impressed today by two posts by prominent Pagans on this topic. First, P. Sufenas Virius Lupus (who does some amazing and serious work and whose scholarship always leaves me in complete awe) has a rather longish post and the entire thing is worth reading. Here’s the part that I found especially important:

The issue, from the discussion on the last day of PantheaCon 2011, right up until the present, has often been phrased in terms of “trans inclusion” (on one side) and “freedom of religion” (on the other). And, in this, I find myself having some difficulties, because I’m entirely in favor of both, even to the point of demanding it in the events that I have a hand in directing. I am a follower of the Silver Rule – ”Don’t do to others what you wouldn’t have them do to you” – and on further reflection about the protest of Z.’s ritual, I cannot say that if I had been free, I would have taken part in the protest against it, even though Z.’s comments and actions are hurtful to my dearly beloved trans sisters, and to me. It would be very easy for homophobic pagans to boycott or protest any of the Ekklesía Antínoou’s events in the future, or for strict reconstructionists to do likewise, or for any number of other people to do likewise; and, I can only assume that it would therefore be possible for any one of us to get a group together and to protest any event at PantheaCon, whether loudly or silently. And, even though the presence of such protestors might not dissuade me from doing whatever it is I was going to be doing, gods, it would hurt to know that anyone essentially objected to my right to be doing whatever it is I was doing, and I would never want to put anyone through that. I know both Freedom of Religion and Freedom of Speech mean that we can object to things we don’t like freely, but given that we as pagans, as queer people, and as gender transgressors (which Z. Budapest and her Dianic followers, and myself, and many trans people, and T. Thorn Coyle, all share as characteristics) have enough trouble from a mainstream overculture that has made its hatred and exclusion of us a cornerstone of their ideology. Thus, I hope we can devise a way forward in all of this that doesn’t involve protests, or empty rhetoric, or isolationism and lack of connection, and that dialogue can be direct whenever and wherever possible.

I’m upset that the only options that are being presented seem to be “ally with Z. and be a bigot,” or “stand for inclusion and dictate what others do.” Certainly, I’m deeply saddened and offended that Z.’s understanding of “women” doesn’t include trans women, but I’m equally saddened that the solution seems to be “she needs to change her mind or face ostracism.” We’ve been hearing, over and over again, that pluralism is one of the potential strengths of our modern pagan communities, but that pluralism seems to extend mostly to deities and to theologies, rather than to practices – and it is practices that we are really “best at” as far as being a religion of practice and of experience. In my reaction to some of Z.’s statements last year in the aftermath of PantheaCon, I was especially offended by the fact that she pretty much dictated what the “proper” rituals and mysteries for trans women should be (which were, in fact, entirely inappropriate); and, in many respects, she’s dictating gender identity, and saying that some people who identify as women are not, and thus her definition somehow trumps theirs. Now, honestly, I’m rather offended that the best solution some people have come up with in this discussion is to do exactly the same back to her and tell her that she should conduct her rituals exactly as we think she should, rather than as she feels most comfortable. Yes, it’s a difference of dictating identity and definitions versus dictating practice, but the problem of “dictating” is common to both, and something that I’m really not a fan of at all. (And this from someone who worships a few Roman emperors!) I never thought I’d say this, to be honest, but now I feel as though I’m defending Z.’s right to do something that I think is disrespectful, distasteful, and destructive . . . but, I am a hardcore supporter of democracy, free speech, and freedom of religion, a hardcore pluralist, and a hardcore supporter of unity in diversity, so there we are.

So, here’s some observations on some of the various different factions in all of this. While my presence at protests and such was not possible, and thus my “stake” in the issues may seem to be less or less immediate than those of others, because I’m of an atypical gender identity (which is not cisgendered, but also isn’t transgendered), there is certainly a very deep stake for me in these matters. My inclusion and recognition in terms of gender is almost impossible if trans people are not included, and until that particular “fight” is won and completed, I cannot hope for my own inclusion or understanding in the wider community; however, I am not “in it to win it” just because it will ultimately be to my benefit to have trans people’s actual gender and their lives and identities affirmed and accepted, but because it’s the right thing to do, full-stop, from any and every spiritual viewpoint I know of that is worth mentioning and that deserves the term “spiritual viewpoint.”

With all of that in mind:

1. To Z. Budapest. I have never met you, but I hope to meet you in-person at some point in the future, and to know you more directly than I have been able to previous to the present, and to do so in a direct way that is not influenced by others’ accounts of you. I am thankful for all that you’ve done over decades of history to advance the cause of the goddesses you represent, and to advance the cause of women in the world and in spiritual community. I am thankful to all of my goddesses and gods that you have developed a practice that so many women have found affirming and productive and life-enhancing over those many years, and that you have specialized in bringing those messages to a particular section of the community of modern women with which you have developed a rapport. I hope that your work continues in this manner for as many years as it is possible for you to do so in the future. My question to you is: would it be at all possible to continue having rituals and events in which cisgendered women only participate, but also to have some that would actually prove your words about being affirmative of trans women’s sacredness to be true rather than empty rhetoric? (CAYA Coven has done this quite admirably, I think” “both/and” approaches are awfully effective and are usually preferable to “either/or” ones, I think.) Or, failing that, would it be possible for you to sit down with trans people (and people of any/all gender identities), in a spirit of acceptance and compassion and mutual respect, as many of us did on last Sunday afternoon, and at least speak openly and honestly to our faces about your views, and why you hold them?

2. To T. Thorn Coyle (and the Protestors). Thorn, I deeply love and appreciate all the work you’ve done, and am continually inspired and provoked by it. I am profoundly thankful to have sat on the same panel with you on Sunday morning, and to have benefited from your insight and your presence on that occasion. I certainly understand that in your silent protest, you did what you thought was most appropriate in these circumstances, and it is something that you’re known for and have done on other occasions, including in the recent Occupy Movement actions. I wonder if there is some way forward that we can find to actually be inclusive and affirming of our different stances without making our own viewpoints “okay” and those that are different from them “not okay,” even when the “not-okay-ness” is expressed in silence and physical presence rather than in words. Doing things outside other’s rituals that intimidate and dissuade people from attending them – especially since doing so won’t prevent them from happening, nor will they change the minds and opinions of those who are attending or were too afraid to attend – doesn’t at this stage sound to me like the best course of action, but I likewise don’t know what would have been a preferable option at the time, so I’d be interested in hearing more from you on what some further options could be in situations like this in the future.

To her credit, T. Thorn Coyle has recognized that her silent “protest” (not her word, but her actions were taken as a protest, which was a not-unforseeable consequence of her actions; it was certainly how I took her announcement when I read it on Twitter) had unintended consequences.

An Open Letter to the Women Attending Z’s Ritual at Pantheacon 2012

Sisters, I did not decide to sit across from you in that broad hallway Sunday night in order to intimidate you. Though advance word had gone out from Z that she needed protection, I was never there to cause harm to her or anyone else. Never was I even calling my actions “protest.” I was meditating in silence as counterpoint to what I and some others consider to be hate speech on the part of our common elder, Z Budapest.
. . . Just as you sisters have felt wounded by our common overculture, so [trans]women have, too. I heard that one of you did not attend the ritual because you feared us. I’ve written in comment to your letter that I feel badly you weren’t able to receive the healing you needed. For my part in that situation, I deeply apologize. . . . It has been pointed out to me that I could have been more clear – could have provided a statement for Pantheacon staff to read, for example. In hindsight, that may have been a good idea. As it was, in the midst of a packed Con schedule, I was trying to highlight the pain caused by Z’s words in the least confrontational way I know how, and wrote about my reasons on my weblog. I would not disrupt a sacred ritual. I would not speak words of anger. I would sit in prayer and silence, with love.

* * *

Why did I do this? Why didn’t I do something else? The Pantheacon community has been in dialogue around these issues for the past year. The only words Z contributed to the dialogue sounded like hate speech to me. I did not even know she was attending Pantheacon this year, and when I saw on Saturday morning that her one offering was a ritual for “genetic women only,” after all her words that transwomen are not women, but Transies and infiltrators, in my heart, gut, and soul, I knew that this could not stand unmarked. I would sit because of the confluence of this ritual description, at this time, by this person.

* * *

We all want a place to be seen, respected, and loved. There is more than enough pain to go around. There is also enough joy and power. We can, I hope, learn to lift one another up, to change culture so that everyone feels they have a place at the table, and a place to heal. It is truly my hope to learn to better build Beloved Community alongside you. I do not wish for the eradication of your sacred rites. I only wish for greater respect to be shown to our community by those who lead those rites.

I take Thorn’s post to mean that her issue was with Z.’s earlier words (which, Goddess knows, were ill-chosen, at the very least, and which I would agree with Thorn were hateful towards trans-women) and not with the women who wanted to attend Z.’s ritual. I appreciate that clarification, because if I walked into a ritual that had silent and disapproving people sitting outside it (a rare, if not unprecedented event at Pantheacon, from what I understand), I’d rather rationally assume that they were protesting both the ritual and my attendance at it. As P. Sufenas Virius Lupus notes:

Doing things outside other’s rituals that intimidate and dissuade people from attending them – especially since doing so won’t prevent them from happening, nor will they change the minds and opinions of those who are attending or were too afraid to attend – doesn’t at this stage sound to me like the best course of action . . . .

I’d similarly be less than enthusiastic about a bunch of people sitting in silent “prayer and silence [for you]” (no matter how “broad” the hallway) (which is also what the Christians say when they attempt to intimidate Pagans or when they attempt to intimidate women seeking abortions) outside a ritual for trans-women only, or outside a ritual for only those who come from the African diaspora, or outside a Heathen-only blot, or outside a ritual only for members of a family trad, or outside a ritual only for initiates of a particular tradition, or outside a Voodoo ritual that sets aside menstruating women and does not allow them full participation.
As Lupus explains:

It would be very easy for homophobic pagans to boycott or protest any of the Ekklesía Antínoou’s events in the future, or for strict reconstructionists to do likewise, or for any number of other people to do likewise; and, I can only assume that it would therefore be possible for any one of us to get a group together and to protest any event at PantheaCon, whether loudly or silently. And, even though the presence of such protestors might not dissuade me from doing whatever it is I was going to be doing, gods, it would hurt to know that anyone essentially objected to my right to be doing whatever it is I was doing, and I would never want to put anyone through that.

I think that Thorn’s final (and excellent) point is likely the one most crucial for we Paganii at this point in time:

We all want a place to be seen, respected, and loved. There is more than enough pain to go around. There is also enough joy and power. We can, I hope, learn to lift one another up, to change culture so that everyone feels they have a place at the table, and a place to heal. It is truly my hope to learn to better build Beloved Community alongside you. I do not wish for the eradication of your sacred rites. I only wish for greater respect to be shown to our community by those who lead those rites.

Here, now, on the cusp of the Age of Aquarius, the Occupy Movement is doing deep and (I hope and believe) lasting work concerning consensus decision making. And the American Pagan community appears, will we or nil we, to be doing deep and (I hope and believe) necessary work over how to handle disagreement, over how to incorporate both “Unity” and “Diversity.”

I believe that Thorn’s statement is a v. good place to start. “We all want a place to be seen, respected, loved.” We can’t have that if prominent Pagan elders engage in hateful name-calling (and “Trannies” certainly falls within that category, for me. And, look, I’ve certainly typed things onto the internets tubes late at night that I wanted to edit the next morning. But the thing to do when that happens is to show up, apologize for having said those things (not for the fact that people got their feelings hurt, as if the fault was theirs), show (with your actions) that you intend to make amends, and to move on)). Nor can we have that if prominent Pagan leaders fail to focus their disapproval and, instead, behave reactively by gathering a crowd to sit disapprovingly outside healing rituals that some women need and long to attend. We can have it if we all commit, again, today, to wanting that for all of us.

We need to remember that, polytheists that most of us are, our true strength comes from our diversity. We are more at risk from the overculture than we are from each other. (How much energy, over the past year, has been directed at Z and how much has been directed at the overculture?)

As Thorn wisely says, “There is also enough joy and power.” I’d love to see a month’s worth of blog posts devoted to Thorn’s important suggestion that we “learn to lift one another up, to change culture so that everyone feels they have a place at the table, and a place to heal.” I’m going to commit to sitting at my altar for at least a few minutes every morning sending energy towards this goal. (Hel, what’s another few minutes of getting up early?) I’m going to commit to putting up some posts over the next month focused on finding ways to “change culture so that everyone feels that they have a place at the table,” (a goal I work on constantly with my own Shadows) “and a place to heal.”

As Robert Frost says, I shan’t be gone long. You come, too.

I’m going out to clean the pasture spring;
I’ll only stop to rake the leaves away
(And wait to watch the water clear, I may):
I shan’t be gone long – You come too.

I’m going out to fetch the little calf
That’s standing by the mother. It’s too young,
It totters when she licks it with her tongue.
I shan’t be gone long – You come too.

Modern Paganism seems, to me, to be the little calf that’s too young, that totters when its Mother licks it with her tongue. Let’s go fetch her; let’s go clean the pasture spring and rake the leaves away (I’ll be long gone before you stop to watch the waters clear, you may. But I’ll be there smiling, nonetheless.)

Picture found here.